buried deep as you can dig inside yourself.

There's a line in this song by the one and only Dashboard Confessional that says "the places that you've come to fear the most, is the place that you have come to fear the most." I think I have reached that place. If you had asked me when I was 17 or 18 where I thought I'd be at 23 my answer would most likely have been something along the lines of "married in the temple, going to school or working to support my RM husband, maybe even caring for a little baby."
Where am I today? So far from that dream that I'm not even sure if it still exists! Ok, it does, just slightly more realistic now. My goal now is to know what I want to do by the time I'm 25. That's only 2 years. In 2 years if I were a male, I would be considered a menace to society in the church.
This is the place i have come to fear the most, I'm 23 and wish I had more going for me.
I am no where near getting married, probably farther away than I was at 18 actually. I don't even know any decent boys I'd be interested in dating. I haven't had a legit boyfriend for almost 2 years. And can't even remember the last time I went on a date. I realize 23 is still so young, and I realize that I'm young and immature (emphasis on the immature). But all my best friends from high school are married, most of them even have a kid or two now. I wonder where I went wrong, why am I not at that place too?
Why am I stuck in this rut where I have no confidence that many of my biggest dreams will ever come true?
It scares me, that I'll forever be alone, that I've ruined some of the best things I ever had going for me.
I'm in the market for a new job. I want to put my knowledge of skin and skincare to use. I want to work with pre and post acne patients, but I don't know how to get there.
I'm stuck. I want so many things I don't know how to get.
So many things I want right now are so far away. These are the places I have come to fear the most...the unknown. I've always been the kind of person to need to know what happens next so I can feel secure.
I was reading a talk by Elder Ballard given to young single adults in April of this year and he said:
I encourage you to not be afraid of the future. Don’t let anything that’s going on in the world slow you down in your progress in mortality. Don’t be afraid to marry. Don’t think you have to have everything lined up. Don’t think you have to have all of the resources and finances “necessary” to enter into that kind of a commitment.... Trust in the Lord. Believe in Him. Study His words. The Lord will bless you with the courage to do the things that are most important in your life. There’s not any one of you who has done anything that you can’t fix and who can’t have a sense of peace in your life. Being active in the Church is one of the great ways to enjoy peace, joy, fellowship, and a sense of belonging. The gospel gives us guidance and direction as we progress through life."

It's a darn good thing I have the gospel. It's the only thing that gives me hope when I get overwhelmed thinking about all this crap. It's the only reason I feel peace when I reach the places I have come to fear the most.

the world is smaller than you think.

My best friend from 17ish years ago just walked in the door at work.
Her family moved to Utah just before 7th grade.
She came to visit Boise once after they moved and I believe that was the last time I'd seen her.
What is that like 11 or 12 years?
She looks just the same.
Plus a giant rock on her left hand.
And I do mean giant.

music.

I've recently rekindled my love affair with music.
I go through phases.
It's like this, sometimes all I want to do is listen to music 24 hours a day.
Usually its after I find one song or cd that I'm completely addicted to.
Ask Janis.
I listened to the same Jason Aldean song everyday for almost 2 months.
Every time it ended I just pushed repeat.
Funny I can't actually even think of the title to that one right now...
But then after a few weeks of that I get sick of it and really only listen in the car.
And then I find a new favorite song and the cycle continues.
Recently (and by recently I mean for the last 6 months) I've had a huge crush on country music.
I mean I always have a love for country but I usually take breaks and listen to some punk or rap for a few weeks if not months.
That never happened this year.
Maybe cause a lot of the popular music right now sucks??
Well for the last month at least I have listened to the same playlist all day everyday.
Funny because it really only had 2 songs I liked on it, and maybe 4 total country songs.
So today I decided I was sick of it and I had tons of good songs stuck in my head so I was going to make the ultimate work playlist.
And I did.
And it's funny because I just went to my favorite artists and picked like every song they had online and combined them all.
I'm pretty sure I went from 0 to 123 songs in about 2 minutes.
Thanks playlist.com!
Anyway, the real point of this was that it's funny I havent listened to some of these songs in a loooong time and the second they came on it took me back to a specific memory.
I love that music can do that!
For example:
Wide Open- Jason Aldean, the first thing that came to mind?
Moving from Boise to Salt Lake last March. It gave me so much hope that Utah was going to be awesome. And it has been. Its definitely had its ups (Alpha, Holladay 11th ward, Kelli, etc) and downs (the crappy house I lived in, the sucky ward, etc).
Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional.
This ones a throw back to high school. Lunchtime drives to Jana Purcell's house so eat cinnamon LIFE cereal by the handful. Thank goodness she lived so close!
This is a sappy one...Eve 6- Here's to the Night.
Driving around Boise in Brad's pickup late at night with the windows down. We walked up to the top of table rock and shot off some mini bombs (tin foil and toilet bowl cleaner or something). After everyone left we went back to my parents and sat in the driveway talking in his pickup and this song came on and he said he always wanted to kiss a girl with this song playing in the background....awww. I have loved this one ever since even though I can't specifically remember if we even ever actually kissed while it played! Haha.
Eric Church- Hell on the Heart.
Back to Meridian and the Boys & Girls Club.
Hanging out in the art room with a bunch of loud children and me and Jennifer just singing as loud as we could!
Jason Aldean- Big Green Tractor.
Laura Hurst. Declo Days. Sprinkler. Cemetery. 100 degree weather.
I think of that EVERY time.
The Script- Breakeven.
My first breakup song. It still makes me sad this many years later. Hahaha. Kinda funny actually. But I remember hearing it when I was driving to Jennilee's house in the dark bawling my eyes out immediately after we broke up. So sad! Hahahaha. Oh man how I have changed, how things have changed!!
and last but not least (gotta end on a good note right?!)
Jason Derulo- In My Head.
Love.this.song.
I remember singing it EVERYWHERE! Usually with Jennifer.
I remember singing it at the B&G Club.
In the car.
Taco Tuseday's.
I still love to sing that song!
And the way he breathes at 1:11 soooooo funny!!
(i love random noises in songs!)
and....its Friday!!
so here's a fun picture to stare at for the weekend :]

dierks bentley.

I have a big fat crush on him.
His voice.
His lyrics.
His looks.
Mmmm...yes please!!

My heart should lie in pieces
On the ground like a goodbye letter
But you hold me together.

She goes runnin' through my mind
Like that Rio Grande river winds through the desert
And I can't forget her

I keep a lookin' for
the slightest sign that you might miss
what you left behind.

Funny how no matter where I run,
Round every bend I only see,
Just how far I haven't come.

can you name these tunes?

i don't get it.

I've just been thinking about how people can change so much in such a short amount of time.
Myself included.
Sometimes its for the better, sometimes not.
There's a few people specifically I can think of who for whatever reason don't seem to like me much anymore.
That's, I don't expect everyone to love me as much as I do. It's just hard to take sometimes. Makes for uncomfortable situations when we run into each other.
I try to be polite.
I know I fail miserably at times.
There's some people I wish I could go back and start over/do over with.
Things could sure be different.
And I know I've made my fair share of mistakes, don't we all?
I've just been thinking recently how much I wish I could apologize and change the past.
Life would sure be different.
But, maybe it would be a whole lot worse!
Thankfully its not.
Because I got to spend some time with some very lovely people this weekend!

 steve bull elk.

 lar grapdrankisha hurst

 the one and only ace jones!

 ace brought me this...hes the best.

 tanner!!!!!!!

 SUPERTRAMP came home!!!!

 the neph.

Life is good.

why is it??

That every time I talk to either one of my parents, about nothing in particular, I end up crying?!

rob told me to update my blog...

I don't know what he expects to read, but I guarantee it's not gonna be that great.
I went to Tim McGraw with Heather on Saturday.
And it was really a blessing that she was able to come and that I got to spend some time with her!
I haven't seen her since February-ish right before she had her 2nd child!
That's right, she's already had 2 kids!
Lucky for her, her husband loves her and let her come have a night out in Salt Lake while he stayed home and watched the kids! Nice guy, right??
Heather and I had so much to catch up on! I forget how funny she is! I have missed her, plus she had some really awesome and needed advice, suggestions, words of wisdom, etc. plus I just love her!
It was so good to hear about her family and catch up on their lives as well!

In other news, I got a sweet bruise. This picture doesnt do it justice but its nice!
I texted the picture to my father (yea, he texts) I thought I was pretty clever so I'm gonna share our convo with you:
Dad: that looks like a good one. Did it hurt?
Me: not anymore than a usual bruise.
Dad: so nobody had to call the whambulance?
Me: no, i ate my whamburger all by myself!

He never replied so apparently he didn't thing I was all that funny.
I must have inherited the Schnupp sense of humor...look out.

job hunt.

totally blows!
but im ready for a change.
biggest dilemma...
stay in utah or move?
if i move where to?
i love idaho.
i miss it always!
but i dont really have anything going for me there...or here.
hmm...not sure!